This is the first of a series of posts of which i am going to be writing daily, for the next 21 days starting tomorrow. Today I mentally made the game changing decision that I would, once again, attempt to quit the life sucking drug that has had a hold of me for the past 5 years now. I have never been officially diagnosed by any health professional as an “addict” before because quiet frankly at this stage I can’t see the point in turning to another individual to be told something I am already more than well aware of. I was definitely in deniel of my habit being an addiction in the early days, I did notice my life slowly spiralling more and more out of control from all angels yet I continued to believe this was something I could permenantly stop at any time I decided I truly wanted to. The problem with this drug is that once it has gotten to about this stage, where you have already begun the mentality of excusing the already visible impact it is having on your life; you have already either subconsciously or consciously made the decision that you do not want to stop. If I could see the beginning of the collatoral damage around me and actually believe the “I can stop whenever I want or whenever I really need to” excuse, then my mind is already at the point of creating excuses to avoid recognising it is in the process of deniel, let alone recognise that it is in fact already in the early stages of a full blown addiction. At this point I am still very naive to the reality that I am actually not in control of this drug anymore.
I have tried numerous times over the past 2 years to quit with little success, I attempt it on my own accord and see how long I can maintain the abstinance mentality for before my mind begins caving me at around the 2 week mark with excuses/reasons why I should go get on it and its pretty sad because I only need to think something like “I’ve been off it for 14 days, thats good I feel like a million bucks, I’ll go catch up with ‘friends’ tonight because I am bored I’ve done nothing the past two weeks and its just one night…” until I have that first pipe and boom. That one night is now a three day bender and I have fallen straight back in the habit of a full blown addiction. There is nothing I could possibly loath more than I loath this drug. I am not religious but this drug is the devil. Whether you know it as ice or crystal meth or shard or gear or puff or whatever it is the most evil, mind altering substance I’ve ever seen. I have seen it take a hold of the most beautiful, loyal, respectable minds immaginable and break them beyond repare by taking them so far from themselves that they feel there is no where left to go. If I can’t beat this now I don’t believe I ever will. I haven’t had a good attempt at quitting for a couple of months now… In fact I actually can’t recall the last time I had a week off which is scary… It feels like I’ve let this get completely out of control of late like somehow, somewhere my personal rules lost their relevance. One of my rules that I’ve stuck strongly by over the last 2 years is to not have access to a glass pipe of my own, yet I’ve had one in a draw in my room for the last week. I usually tend to stress out if I am not in bed and trying to sleep by 3am at the latest, but for the past month I have been getting into bed at about 6am. I am 23 years old and living at home, with my parents. I’m an only child so the 3 of us are close but I’ve hidden my addiction from them and this has created a void of which I intend to fill with the truth over the next couple of days. I never wanted to hurt them with the truth of what I do but I really have no choice its now or never.
Anyway tomorrow, I will post on how I handle day #1, once its done.
It takes 21 days to form a new habit. With these daily posts I intend to become addicted to writing and in the process ditch the pipe dreams.