I am calling this a draft because I have somehow managed to let myself down before even making it through the first day of a plan that requires 21 full days of sobriety. I am so ashamed of myself; although not all that surprised.
It is difficult to write a public post openly acknowledging that I failed my very own master recovery plan almost instantaneously though. I was contemplating on whether or not I would even continue to post about this topic at all because being forgotten and disappearing into nothing is far easier on my ego than facing the stone cold truth head on but honestly where’s the guts in that? Growth is never comfortable, pleasing my ego tends to stunt my self development so I think I’d much rather take the blow to my pride in my stride and maybe learn a little here instead of ignoring the fact that the failure occurred at all.
I got through the first 12 hours of my day yesterday by sleeping. Although my dreams were strange spending my day this way was pleasent. I woke up, spoke to my parents briefly, ate some food and laid back down in bed before accepting that my best bet would probably be to drift back off to sleep. So I did, and when I awoke next at about 3 in the afternoon I checked the spam messages folder of my phone where the messages of the people I do drugs with were getting diverted to and I thought I would give one of them a call back. After all if I wasn’t confessing anything to my parents for at least another day it would probably be the last chance I’d have to fuck up without them knowing. I don’t know if that is logical or if it even makes any sense but the thought made me comfortable enough to entertain the cravings, that were slowly; albeit relentlessly swarming in my cranium. A friend of mine agreed to come over and hang out and since my first burn yesterday at 8pm I’ve been wasting time right up until now; 6pm today and I am sat on my bedroom floor writing this post. I am about to go and tell my parents who I really am and I dont think I’ve ever dreaded anything more.